Posted by: Chloe | November 6, 2009

You think it’s gone and then it rears its ugly head

Pain – pain so deep in my heart – that’s the ugly head.  Mom’s been gone almost 2 years.  Your birthday is coming up – you would have been 60 years old.  Months flew by without this pain.  It had dulled for awhile.  I wish you could see my children now.  I wish a letter would come in the mail from you.  As much as those letters and your situation would drain me – that I didn’t know what to do with you…a letter would still be good now.  I have no idea if I ever thought you would overcome these battles.  I don’t think I truly had expectations.  I just thought you would live.  Once we moved you to treatment, I thought you would live.

Which hurts worse?  that you are now gone or the times when I would send my husband by your house to check and make sure you had not fallen or passed out and died?  I want to scream which is worse?  Would I trade back now that you are gone?  Because those times hurt also, pained me.  And yet, I still have the pain…it’s different now.  God has told me He has you – that you are safe and I must believe Him.  He is my hope and Savior.  Only through Christ Jesus can I live and continue on.  Oh, how I miss you so much, so, so, so much mama.

Posted by: Chloe | September 1, 2009

So long it seems

Mama,

I miss you.  I miss you dearly.  I wish I could call you and share some things.  I know you never felt comfortable in your situation as a mom.  I know we never had a normal relationship.  I know that you did not know or perhaps want to be a typical mom.  But there was still always an option to call you and that has gone forever.

Posted by: Chloe | February 24, 2009

Thought of you

I thought of you today mom and almost had a breakdown in the grocery store.  It took everything inside of me to not lay down on the floor sobbing – to check out at the moment – to crawl in a corner somewhere and let the pain take over.  But I had my son with me and I was in public. 

It was a good day and as I was shopping a lady passed me that looked in the same situation as you were in.  She appeared to have probably led a hard partying life – looked older than she really was.  Shoulders slumped and in bad physical health – and immediately I was overcome with picturing you shopping the same way.  I miss you and I wished that I could have seen you overcome your demons before you left this world.  Who’s to say that in the last few weeks or days of your life, you didn’t overcome them?  In letters you spoke of peace but you were so vague, I’m not sure what you meant with the word peace.  I pray you did have that peace, not only the peace of believing in Jesus from your heart, but peace of bondage broken from the demons you so long fought against.

Some of you may think that once you are saved, you are free from the demons but not so in some ways.  There are behaviors to break and changing your life is a process.  Although you may have Jesus in your heart, it may still be a struggle to let go of the pain, hurt, addictions and forgive that you’ve held onto for years.

I missed you today mom.

Posted by: Chloe | January 20, 2009

The music

Fleetwood Mac is on tour this year and coming through my area.  My mother loved music.  I’ve said at times I received nothing from my mother other than birth.  Perhaps the love of music I received from her.  It was played constantly in our house and in her car.  Rock n Roll, country, almost any kind of music.  We were never forbidden to listen to anything – perhaps she instilled a love of music to me without even knowing it.

I remember a mentor once telling me it was not good to listen to secular music and I gasped!  There are particular songs that I can not listen to because I’m convicted but there are many many more (without bad words, etc.) that give me much joy and energy when I hear them.  Ones that bring back wonderful memories and make me thankful God saved me.  So I ask God to convict me when I hear something I’m not suppose to.

Posted by: Chloe | December 5, 2008

A friend loves at all times

A friend sent me the following verses recently.  You should always have at least one friend who loves the Lord, encourages you, helps hold you accountable and will tell you the truth in love.  Because we are blind at times and the Lord uses people to open our eyes – to once again see and lean on Him.

Psalm 93:4 – The Lord on high is mightier than the noise of many waters, yea, than the mighty waves of the sea.

Psalm 66:12 – Thou hast caused men o ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

friendscrop

Posted by: Chloe | November 5, 2008

Are things easier?

My mother’s birthday is this month and I thought it would bring up tears but it didn’t. 

It’s at the most ridiculous times, that I think of her and miss her.  Pictures don’t do it, going through her items sometimes do it BUT for the most part, I’ll be going along with my day and become overwhelmed with the fact that she and I will never talk again.  We will never see each other again.  I sometimes think things are easier – perhaps the pain has lessened.  I don’t know.  No matter that she was not a “mother” in the sense God calls us to be good parents, she was was my mama and I miss her.

Posted by: Chloe | October 21, 2008

Vindictiveness

Vindictiveness can eat up love and care in your heart.  With going to counseling and trying to make positive changes in my life, I knew the battles would come.  Some of my family manipulates in order to get what they want or use words to lay guilt. 

Recently, rather than my sister asking nicely about the status of something dealing with our mom’s items, she used a form of manipulation and vindictiveness to try and get what she wanted.  There are two sides and yes I have not done something I said I would do but a time frame was never spoken between us.  So she has decided to throw an offer out that a favor I asked will be done once I do what she wants. 

The sad part???  All she had to do was ask in a nice respectful manner of when I thought I would get the task done and could I hurry up because she really wanted the item.  But my sister is a stuffer.  She gets irritated at something dealing with me and rather than letting it go or communicating with me about it, she gets madder and madder THEN snaps.  The result is she’s rude, snippy, disrespectful or hateful towards me.  It may last just for a phone call or personal visit or longer.  Until she lets the frustration go, she may be distant and short with me for weeks.  Although I may ask her if everything is okay, she denies there is a problem.  Once she has dumped on me, usually everything goes back to normal.

This is the part where I have to start taking care of myself by protecting my own heart.  It’s telling myself I’m not selfish or dishonoring my sister to cut off a phone call or shorten a visit or decline a outing when she is being disrespectful to me.  I will no longer take it because when I allow those jabs, it sucks my joy from life.  I love her dearly.  I pray for her frequently and have asked God to save her.  To pull her towards Him.  I don’t attach string to our relationship and if she does, I will have to cut them.

Posted by: Chloe | October 19, 2008

Movie Night

I put off seeing this movie because I thought it would be CHEESY but now I have to eat my words.  I think satan kept trying to discourage me also but ha!  he didn’t win.  So now I’m going to be one of those people that I’ve come across lately…

            “Oh my goodness!!!!  Have you seen the movie FIREPROOF?  Oh my, you HAVE to go see this movie!!!  Remember Kirk Cameron?  He’s in it!!  You just must go see it!!  It’s not cheesy!  It has really good acting.  I cried at parts.  My husband teared up.  YOU just have to go see this movie!!!!!!!!”

Samuel Goldwyn Films' FireproofAnd I’m thinking, dang it, I don’t want to waste my date night on some cheesy, perhaps romantic, lovey dovey, everything ends so sweetly Christian movie.  Is that not horrible?  I’m a Christian – LOVE THE LORD and I didn’t want to go see a Christian movie.  I wanted to go see something stupid instead that would make me forget everything for 2 hours, laugh and have a date with my husband.

But we went and saw it and NOW I SAY Oh my goodness!  You have got to see this movie!!!

Offical FIREPROOF Movie Site

Yahoo Movie Information or MSN Movie Information

The Love Dare Book

Posted by: Chloe | October 13, 2008

Counseling Session 3

I put the this appointment off for a few weeks.  Believe it or not, I contemplated whether I should go back or not.  I had such an eye opener the last time, I told myself, HEY!  You’ve got it all figured out now!

But that was not in God’s plan.  I rattle on and on about all kinds of things.  My family, my past, changes I’m currently making (how in the world the counselor follows what I’m saying – I have NO IDEA!) but he does.  AND he stops me at various points to ask what did I mean by saying that?  I was trying to explain how mad I am in a nice way and then it came out.  I WAS SO ANGRY I wanted to spew out cuss words (but I didn’t). 

I’m MAD at these people who I have allowed to manipulate me and put me down for not fulfilling their needs.  I’m FURIOUS I’ve allowed my dad to make me feel unworthy.  I’m furious I have allowed these things to have such an influence over my life.  Notice the recurring theme?  ALLOWED

I allowed these words, unloving, uncaring, put down things to infiltrate my heart and soul.  There are times where I should have said something, stopped the person, hung the phone up, not allowed the visit…

I have lost myself over the years.  After God brought me to Him, I became his daughter and a new person.  That new person fought against the old person.  I thought that since I was now HIS, it was unChristian to say no and I compromised my self.  I’ve fought with myself over the past month of my counselor advising me to take care of ME.  Society puts a selfish spin on this – me, me, me.  BUT that’s not what he was advising.  It’s time to take care of my heart.  Heal it and stop letting people stab it.  It’s not just a matter of standing up or cutting people off. 

It’s forgiving and letting go of the expectation that just because someone is your dad or mom, does not mean they have to meet you halfway in the relationship.  As a child of God, I am called to go the whole way.  That does not mean being a doormat or giving in to their whim.  It does not mean putting up with lectures on how to run my life or raise my kids.  IT means standing firm in love and letting go of the vengeance for all the pain they have caused.  Giving up that pain does not mean they win (which is the thing I’m struggling with).  In my mind, letting the pain go is the most reasonable and best thing for my body.  Now I just have to convince my heart.  And that’s going to take the Holy Spirit working in me because I know He can overtake it.

So I guess this isn’t all about the journey from my mother.  I just peeled back a layer of hurt and found a whole 30 years of HURT layers.  Now the journey truly begins…

Posted by: Chloe | October 6, 2008

People Pleaser

It is not possible to please everyone. 

It is not rude to tell family you don’t want to talk about the past over and over.

It is not disloyal to not atttend family gatherings sometimes.

I can not please everyone.

Posted by: Chloe | October 1, 2008

HOW DARE SHE!

My sister has been trying to figure out why I feel the way I do towards our mother.  Don’t misunderstand, she has bad memories also and on MANY thing we agree but my emotions are different than my sister’s.  My perspective on our childhood differs.  Part of the reason is I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my sister stuffs her emotions.  Both of us though struggle with outbursts but I’ve learned to control mine better I think due to age, GOD and counseling periodically over the years. 

But my sister decided to ask our grandmother about me and perhaps why I feel the way I do.  Rather than coming to me.  My grandmother decided to tell her part of my story from when I was born.  Because there are 7 years between my sister and I, she doesn’t know a lot of what happened when I was young although I have shared things with her.  But the reason I’m upset is it was not my grandmother’s story to tell, it was mine.  And my sister calls me to basically say Oh, now I understand better why you feel the way you do.  I guess now that she knows more dirt from my childhood, it’s warranted as to why I have the feelings I do. 

It burns me up that my grandmother got part of the facts wrong – she doesn’t know a lot of my memories.  I DO!  I know what happened.  I remember and it was my story to tell.  And I should have slammed my sister with words but I didn’t and now it’s eating me up.  If she wanted to know my “life story” she should have come to me.  I’ve ALWAYS been very transparent and open with her so she can’t use that excuse.   HOW DARE BOTH OF THEM!  My grandmother should have told my sister to ask me instead of trying to help.

Posted by: Chloe | September 26, 2008

I missed her today

I’m so tired tonight.  I’ve thought about her off and ontoday.  No tears tonight but I miss her deeply.  I wish she would call.  I wish a letter would come.  There was no lovey-dovey exchanges when we talked but as I have said before, she was my mother.  God chose her to carry me and I will love her forever.  She was not perfect but my Lord gave me to her for HIS specific plan and I miss her deeply.

Posted by: Chloe | September 18, 2008

Counseling Session 2

Today was a DAY of many awakenings!  I don’t think my battle is just dealing with mom’s passing.  It’s a multitude of things I have gone through the past year.  I’m almost 40 with two children.  Been married many years.  I had five deaths in my family over the past year.  Grandfathers passed away.  Not only has it been an emotional roller coaster and countless times of sucking it up to get through moments, I’ve had regular life issues coming at me also.  The kids need me.  My husband needs me.  Friends need me.  Family needs me. 

How can I ever fulfill all these obligations?  I’m struggling with who I am in this world?  My childhood helped form me (bad and good).  I’m a good person, mother, wife, friend, sister, granddaughter.  Arrrgggg!!!!

I’m overwhelmed and I ask the question, who am I?  Who is the woman God wants me to be?  Where is that woman inside of me that God has a plan for?  THAT’S IT!  Nothing else matters as long as I keep my eyes on Him.  Everything will heal and everything will fall into place.  Maybe not the place I think it should or in the time frame I want but what a relief it would be to let Him guide me.  I need to let all this sink in and I’m happy today.

Posted by: Chloe | September 12, 2008

Counseling Session 1

Draining and perhaps a little refreshing at the same time.  I liked the counselor.  I’ve gone to Christian counseling several times in the past 12 years but it’s usually women and they have more of a Christian counseling background versus clinical background.  This guy has both and I liked his observations.  He tied God into the equation but also let me know why I was having some of the physical problems – unable to sleep, irritability, mild panic attacks.  The main thing is that it seems with mom’s passing, the door to my childhood got reopened.  I think I’m angry with this because I have dealt and resolved things regarding my childhood yet it’s coming back to haunt me.  I have forgiven and mostly forgotten.  I have prayed, cried and confronted people in the past.  I do not want to go through this again which is why I need to learn to cope and deal with this stuff that has reared its ugly head again.  And don’t you know that satan is just laughing and putting his hands in the mix also.  he’s found a crack and thinks he’s going to win or continue the pain.  I will say it out loud to you satan – you will be put back in your place and I will overcome this through my Lord, Jesus Christ.  You hear that!

Posted by: Chloe | August 27, 2008

Thought about her

Today coming back from my daughter’s doctor appointment, I thought about “her” – my mother.  It’s hard to even write down what I thought about.  That I was thinking she was gone.  I’m still not sure it has sunk in that she is gone.  It’s easier to write “she” than “my mother”.

I didn’t think about much else except the fact that she’s gone.  This time at least I didn’t cry about it and I didn’t fall into the pit of despair.  Just a slight sadness and then the feeling was gone.

Posted by: Chloe | August 13, 2008

Hospital called

I came home today after running errands to an odd message on our answering machine.  I thought the lady said she was from either the hospital or homeless shelter where my mother was staying before her passing.  (i still can’t bring myself to say death or died in regard to her).  Anyway, when I called back, I found out that the hospital had some of my mother’s belongings still.  I was so angry because it’s been over 3 months and we asked I think or relied on the hospital to tell us about these belongings when we were there.  No one told us that the hospital takes the valuables of a person admitted to a hospital and puts the valuables in a safe.  So the end result is that the NICE security guard went to the safe, removed the envelope and I gave her permission to open it to see what the contents were.  I wasn’t sure I was up to driving 6 hours round trip to pick it up.  

Inside was a few pieces of jewelry, her driver’s license and bus pass.  One of the pieces she described was a ring that we thought Mama had lost or given away.  We never found it in any of her things we went through. 

The lady offered to mail me the items and I thank her profusely.  I hung up and got up the gumption to call my sister and grandmother to let them know.

UPDATE:  I received the package of the items a few days later.  Coming back from the mailbox into the house, I picked a fight with my husband not realizing I was doing it because of the hurt I was trying to deal with.  I bawled in the bathroom after opening and looking through the items.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who accepted my apology and still tried to comfort me.

Posted by: Chloe | August 10, 2008

Faking it

My best buddy asked if I was okay today.  She won’t let it because she has this gift of knowing when people are faking it.  I’m laughing and give God thanks for her friendship.  She won’t let up on me about getting some help or offering to listen.  My friend can see my hurt.  She knows I’m not myself and she encourages me out of love. 

I prayed for so long for a Godly friend that lived close by and He sent her.  I asked for someone who would help hold me accountable and not be scared to tell me like it is.  He sent her and the wait was worth it.

Posted by: Chloe | July 20, 2008

Busy month

It’s been a busy month with July 4th and a trip with a close friend to get away.  We helped at our church with reach week events and it was great to give back to the community.  Our church is big into building disciples and having outreach events.  But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake lose the sadness attached to me.

I miss her.  I know you may think I hated my mother but I didn’t and I don’t.  I had bouts of anger towards her over the past months and my words may have seen terse and cold but if you knew me in person, you would have seen my mercy.  I stuffed my emotions and madness to when I was around her.  I loved her – she was my mother but she was not a happy person.  At times, she had such meanness in her and the bitterness took her over.

But I’m not myself and I fake it many times around people.  When they ask how I’m doing, I smile and say it’s hard but I’m okay.  What I really want to do is cry uncontrollable, fall down on the floor and scream out my pain.  But that’s not what you do in society and although I have wonderful non judgemental friends, I still smile and walk away pretending everything is okay and I feel no pain.

Posted by: Chloe | June 20, 2008

Another bad day

This morning did not start out the best, the pit of despair overcomes me.  In previous battles,  I can will myslef out of the pit but lately it has been harder.  I cried for no reason without warning.

Posted by: Chloe | June 10, 2008

Sick, sick, sick of it!!!

I’m so sick of my husband not understanding or at least being sensitive to what I am going through with this ordeal.  I’m not stupid, I know that she has been gone for over a month now.  It’s not like I can control my emotions.  I know she was a horrible mother, hardly any maternal instincts but she was my mother and she is no longer here. 

On the other side, I have the most wonderful husband.  God gifted me with my husband and his family.  He usually is more sensitive than most men but yet still manly.  He helps with the house and with our children yet he’s not wimpy.  BUT I should not have to tell him that I am still reeling in pain from this.  I lost my mother.  Yes, I lost her in some ways years ago or else I never had her.  But now she’s permanently gone and there’s nothing I can do or say to her ever again.  Why can’t he see my pain?

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