I put the this appointment off for a few weeks. Believe it or not, I contemplated whether I should go back or not. I had such an eye opener the last time, I told myself, HEY! You’ve got it all figured out now!
But that was not in God’s plan. I rattle on and on about all kinds of things. My family, my past, changes I’m currently making (how in the world the counselor follows what I’m saying – I have NO IDEA!) but he does. AND he stops me at various points to ask what did I mean by saying that? I was trying to explain how mad I am in a nice way and then it came out. I WAS SO ANGRY I wanted to spew out cuss words (but I didn’t).
I’m MAD at these people who I have allowed to manipulate me and put me down for not fulfilling their needs. I’m FURIOUS I’ve allowed my dad to make me feel unworthy. I’m furious I have allowed these things to have such an influence over my life. Notice the recurring theme? ALLOWED
I allowed these words, unloving, uncaring, put down things to infiltrate my heart and soul. There are times where I should have said something, stopped the person, hung the phone up, not allowed the visit…
I have lost myself over the years. After God brought me to Him, I became his daughter and a new person. That new person fought against the old person. I thought that since I was now HIS, it was unChristian to say no and I compromised my self. I’ve fought with myself over the past month of my counselor advising me to take care of ME. Society puts a selfish spin on this – me, me, me. BUT that’s not what he was advising. It’s time to take care of my heart. Heal it and stop letting people stab it. It’s not just a matter of standing up or cutting people off.
It’s forgiving and letting go of the expectation that just because someone is your dad or mom, does not mean they have to meet you halfway in the relationship. As a child of God, I am called to go the whole way. That does not mean being a doormat or giving in to their whim. It does not mean putting up with lectures on how to run my life or raise my kids. IT means standing firm in love and letting go of the vengeance for all the pain they have caused. Giving up that pain does not mean they win (which is the thing I’m struggling with). In my mind, letting the pain go is the most reasonable and best thing for my body. Now I just have to convince my heart. And that’s going to take the Holy Spirit working in me because I know He can overtake it.
So I guess this isn’t all about the journey from my mother. I just peeled back a layer of hurt and found a whole 30 years of HURT layers. Now the journey truly begins…