Pain – pain so deep in my heart – that’s the ugly head. Mom’s been gone almost 2 years. Your birthday is coming up – you would have been 60 years old. Months flew by without this pain. It had dulled for awhile. I wish you could see my children now. I wish a letter would come in the mail from you. As much as those letters and your situation would drain me – that I didn’t know what to do with you…a letter would still be good now. I have no idea if I ever thought you would overcome these battles. I don’t think I truly had expectations. I just thought you would live. Once we moved you to treatment, I thought you would live.
Which hurts worse? that you are now gone or the times when I would send my husband by your house to check and make sure you had not fallen or passed out and died? I want to scream which is worse? Would I trade back now that you are gone? Because those times hurt also, pained me. And yet, I still have the pain…it’s different now. God has told me He has you – that you are safe and I must believe Him. He is my hope and Savior. Only through Christ Jesus can I live and continue on. Oh, how I miss you so much, so, so, so much mama.
