Journey From Mom

You think it’s gone and then it rears its ugly head

Chloe — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:28:10 +0000

Pain – pain so deep in my heart – that’s the ugly head. Mom’s been gone almost 2 years. Your birthday is coming up – you would have been 60 years old. Months flew by without this pain. It had dulled for awhile. I wish you could see my children now. I wish a letter would come in the mail from you. As much as those letters and your situation would drain me – that I didn’t know what to do with you…a letter would still be good now. I have no idea if I ever thought you would overcome these battles. I don’t think I truly had expectations. I just thought you would live. Once we moved you to treatment, I thought you would live.

Which hurts worse? that you are now gone or the times when I would send my husband by your house to check and make sure you had not fallen or passed out and died? I want to scream which is worse? Would I trade back now that you are gone? Because those times hurt also, pained me. And yet, I still have the pain…it’s different now. God has told me He has you – that you are safe and I must believe Him. He is my hope and Savior. Only through Christ Jesus can I live and continue on. Oh, how I miss you so much, so, so, so much mama.

So long it seems

Chloe — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 04:10:17 +0000

Mama,

I miss you. I miss you dearly. I wish I could call you and share some things. I know you never felt comfortable in your situation as a mom. I know we never had a normal relationship. I know that you did not know or perhaps want to be a typical mom. But there was still always an option to call you and that has gone forever.

Thought of you

Chloe — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:42:26 +0000

I thought of you today mom and almost had a breakdown in the grocery store. It took everything inside of me to not lay down on the floor sobbing – to check out at the moment – to crawl in a corner somewhere and let the pain take over. But I had my son with me and I was in public.

It was a good day and as I was shopping a lady passed me that looked in the same situation as you were in. She appeared to have probably led a hard partying life – looked older than she really was. Shoulders slumped and in bad physical health – and immediately I was overcome with picturing you shopping the same way. I miss you and I wished that I could have seen you overcome your demons before you left this world. Who’s to say that in the last few weeks or days of your life, you didn’t overcome them? In letters you spoke of peace but you were so vague, I’m not sure what you meant with the word peace. I pray you did have that peace, not only the peace of believing in Jesus from your heart, but peace of bondage broken from the demons you so long fought against.

Some of you may think that once you are saved, you are free from the demons but not so in some ways. There are behaviors to break and changing your life is a process. Although you may have Jesus in your heart, it may still be a struggle to let go of the pain, hurt, addictions and forgive that you’ve held onto for years.

I missed you today mom.

The music

Chloe — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:50:50 +0000

Fleetwood Mac is on tour this year and coming through my area. My mother loved music. I’ve said at times I received nothing from my mother other than birth. Perhaps the love of music I received from her. It was played constantly in our house and in her car. Rock n Roll, country, almost any kind of music. We were never forbidden to listen to anything – perhaps she instilled a love of music to me without even knowing it.

I remember a mentor once telling me it was not good to listen to secular music and I gasped! There are particular songs that I can not listen to because I’m convicted but there are many many more (without bad words, etc.) that give me much joy and energy when I hear them. Ones that bring back wonderful memories and make me thankful God saved me. So I ask God to convict me when I hear something I’m not suppose to.

A friend loves at all times

Chloe — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:34:09 +0000

A friend sent me the following verses recently. You should always have at least one friend who loves the Lord, encourages you, helps hold you accountable and will tell you the truth in love. Because we are blind at times and the Lord uses people to open our eyes – to once again see and lean on Him.

Psalm 93:4 – The Lord on high is mightier than the noise of many waters, yea, than the mighty waves of the sea.

Psalm 66:12 – Thou hast caused men o ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

Are things easier?

Chloe — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:17:44 +0000

My mother’s birthday is this month and I thought it would bring up tears but it didn’t.

It’s at the most ridiculous times, that I think of her and miss her. Pictures don’t do it, going through her items sometimes do it BUT for the most part, I’ll be going along with my day and become overwhelmed with the fact that she and I will never talk again. We will never see each other again. I sometimes think things are easier – perhaps the pain has lessened. I don’t know. No matter that she was not a “mother” in the sense God calls us to be good parents, she was was my mama and I miss her.

Vindictiveness

Chloe — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:37:18 +0000

Vindictiveness can eat up love and care in your heart. With going to counseling and trying to make positive changes in my life, I knew the battles would come. Some of my family manipulates in order to get what they want or use words to lay guilt.

Recently, rather than my sister asking nicely about the status of something dealing with our mom’s items, she used a form of manipulation and vindictiveness to try and get what she wanted. There are two sides and yes I have not done something I said I would do but a time frame was never spoken between us. So she has decided to throw an offer out that a favor I asked will be done once I do what she wants.

The sad part??? All she had to do was ask in a nice respectful manner of when I thought I would get the task done and could I hurry up because she really wanted the item. But my sister is a stuffer. She gets irritated at something dealing with me and rather than letting it go or communicating with me about it, she gets madder and madder THEN snaps. The result is she’s rude, snippy, disrespectful or hateful towards me. It may last just for a phone call or personal visit or longer. Until she lets the frustration go, she may be distant and short with me for weeks. Although I may ask her if everything is okay, she denies there is a problem. Once she has dumped on me, usually everything goes back to normal.

This is the part where I have to start taking care of myself by protecting my own heart. It’s telling myself I’m not selfish or dishonoring my sister to cut off a phone call or shorten a visit or decline a outing when she is being disrespectful to me. I will no longer take it because when I allow those jabs, it sucks my joy from life. I love her dearly. I pray for her frequently and have asked God to save her. To pull her towards Him. I don’t attach string to our relationship and if she does, I will have to cut them.

Movie Night

Chloe — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 04:24:54 +0000

I put off seeing this movie because I thought it would be CHEESY but now I have to eat my words. I think satan kept trying to discourage me also but ha! he didn’t win. So now I’m going to be one of those people that I’ve come across lately…

“Oh my goodness!!!! Have you seen the movie FIREPROOF? Oh my, you HAVE to go see this movie!!! Remember Kirk Cameron? He’s in it!! You just must go see it!! It’s not cheesy! It has really good acting. I cried at parts. My husband teared up. YOU just have to go see this movie!!!!!!!!”

And I’m thinking, dang it, I don’t want to waste my date night on some cheesy, perhaps romantic, lovey dovey, everything ends so sweetly Christian movie. Is that not horrible? I’m a Christian – LOVE THE LORD and I didn’t want to go see a Christian movie. I wanted to go see something stupid instead that would make me forget everything for 2 hours, laugh and have a date with my husband.

But we went and saw it and NOW I SAY Oh my goodness! You have got to see this movie!!!

Offical FIREPROOF Movie Site

Yahoo Movie Information or MSN Movie Information

The Love Dare Book

Counseling Session 3

Chloe — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:56:32 +0000

I put the this appointment off for a few weeks. Believe it or not, I contemplated whether I should go back or not. I had such an eye opener the last time, I told myself, HEY! You’ve got it all figured out now!

But that was not in God’s plan. I rattle on and on about all kinds of things. My family, my past, changes I’m currently making (how in the world the counselor follows what I’m saying – I have NO IDEA!) but he does. AND he stops me at various points to ask what did I mean by saying that? I was trying to explain how mad I am in a nice way and then it came out. I WAS SO ANGRY I wanted to spew out cuss words (but I didn’t).

I’m MAD at these people who I have allowed to manipulate me and put me down for not fulfilling their needs. I’m FURIOUS I’ve allowed my dad to make me feel unworthy. I’m furious I have allowed these things to have such an influence over my life. Notice the recurring theme? ALLOWED

I allowed these words, unloving, uncaring, put down things to infiltrate my heart and soul. There are times where I should have said something, stopped the person, hung the phone up, not allowed the visit…

I have lost myself over the years. After God brought me to Him, I became his daughter and a new person. That new person fought against the old person. I thought that since I was now HIS, it was unChristian to say no and I compromised my self. I’ve fought with myself over the past month of my counselor advising me to take care of ME. Society puts a selfish spin on this – me, me, me. BUT that’s not what he was advising. It’s time to take care of my heart. Heal it and stop letting people stab it. It’s not just a matter of standing up or cutting people off.

It’s forgiving and letting go of the expectation that just because someone is your dad or mom, does not mean they have to meet you halfway in the relationship. As a child of God, I am called to go the whole way. That does not mean being a doormat or giving in to their whim. It does not mean putting up with lectures on how to run my life or raise my kids. IT means standing firm in love and letting go of the vengeance for all the pain they have caused. Giving up that pain does not mean they win (which is the thing I’m struggling with). In my mind, letting the pain go is the most reasonable and best thing for my body. Now I just have to convince my heart. And that’s going to take the Holy Spirit working in me because I know He can overtake it.

So I guess this isn’t all about the journey from my mother. I just peeled back a layer of hurt and found a whole 30 years of HURT layers. Now the journey truly begins…

People Pleaser

Chloe — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:42:13 +0000