Posted by: Chloe | December 15, 2007

What’s my mother like?

Mama couldn’t have visitors the first month and we decided to wait until after Christmas to go visit her.  She has started calling though and I have to be tough with her on the phone.  She thinks I don’t care I guess or perhaps she doesn’t think at all what I think.

My mother’s father passed away when she was a child so she and her brother were raised by just their mother.  To hear my mother’s side of the story, it was a horrible childhood but after doing research on our family years ago, much of my mother’s stories don’t make sense.

Part of the problem is my mom lies, a lot. She exaggerates and turns stories so that she’s the victim.  I’m told that she was a good mother when I was a baby but it’s hard for me to believe that because from the time I could remember, she has always been mean.  I rarely remember her being nurturing, affectionate or loving towards me.  She yelled most days, was physically and verbally abusive.  She was selfish and although she made sure we had a roof over our heads, she did not give much more.  I’ve had people tell me that surely there was some good I remember and I have tried.  I’m sure there are brief moments where we laughed or she showed love but all the bad shadows those brief moments that it’s hard for me to remember. 

It’s extremely hard for me to have pity on my mother NOT because of her meanness towards me BUT because of her ongoing refusal to accept responsibility.  I forgave her long ago but she frustrates me to no end with her denial of how she raised my sister and I AND how she thinks she did nothing wrong.  It frustrates me that she wants everyone else to take care of her.  AND the worst part, she blames it on her childhood that she’s the way she is. 

I’ve heard how my grandmother worked hard to put food on the table, that she took my mother to girl scouts and piano lessons.  That from a young age my mother was difficult and not happy.  That when my mother was 16-17 she left school and took off for California.  She finally came back and married and then divorced the guy in about a year.  My mother never shared any of these memories.  We learned them from family members.  All her life she has kept secrets, never wanting to be close to anyone.

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