Posted by: Chloe | January 5, 2008

About mom again

I talked to Mom the week of Christmas.  She’s doing okay.  She’s had a few setbacks with colds and other medical problems since the weather got cold.  I do feel for her because she’s in poor health.  She says the center is providing her with medicine to try and quit smoking.  I’m not sure she’s quit completely and I know that she has lung damage.

She was without a job for about a year prior to going to the center.  Mom was very smart but over the years she had less and less motivation for a career.  She didn’t care about her living situation.  She had not owned a house since her and my dad divorced which was about 25 years.  It’s like she worked to just barely survive. 

Mom never kept many friends.  She was a loner and a hermit even when she partied a lot, she usually only had 1-2 close friends.  Friendships would end and she would not pursue them.  She would just move on to another close friend.  The past year, she stayed inside of house the majority of the time.  We tried to get her to come visit her mother when I was there with my children but she rarely did.  Many times I offered to fill her gas tank and she still would not come.  For years she had stayed away from any family celebrations.  I can remember her disliking family reunions and other gatherings since I was a child.

She believed those people did not really care about her but she never gave them a chance.  True, some of them never called her but there were ones that did try to call or come by her house.  Many times she would pretend like she wasn’t home and not answer the door.

After being divorced more than 25 years, she still could not stand my step mother and because of it you never knew if she would attend a celebration I hosted because I always invited everyone.  Years before she had asked me to have separate parties but I felt I couldn’t.  My dad and step-mom had pushed past all the drama, I felt my mother could do the same.  But that was my mother, she held grudges for longer than anyone I have ever known.

I use this blog to write my true feelings.  At times I feel like asking you as the reader to not judge me and think I’m horrible for the things I say but I don’t care because I created this to say what I want and feel.  I love my mother very dearly.  I’ve prayed for her many years.  I have forgiven her for the things she did to me and things she did not provide.  But I do have scars and hurt.

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