Posted by: Chloe | May 5, 2008

Restless night

We head back to the hospital today.  Sleep did not come nor go well.  I am thankful my sister and I are not fighting.  We enter the room and meet a different nurse.  A few moments later, a doctor comes in and says he will meet with us regarding mom’s condition.

We move to this little room with 4 medical people.  A nurse, resident and two doctors.  One of the doctors was the one that admitted mom late Friday night.  She explains that mom came in unable to breath and was panicking.  The doctor asked mom several times if she wanted to go on the breathing machine.  It was a difficult decision because my mother is against anything related to life support including being incubated.  The doctor stated that mom stayed quiet a few minutes thinking the situation over and then agreed to be incubated.  After much conversation my sister and I including the admitting dr. came to the conclusion that the only reason mom went on the machine was she probably thought it would be temporary and would be fine once she got her breathing under control.  She had been on a breathing machine before but not incubated.  If she had any inclination the situation would have ended up where we are today, I truly believe she would have laid there and died in the ER. 

Mom was adamant about DNR on file and never ever letting a machine keep her alive.  The situation is explained to us that although mom can stay on life support her quality of life will not be the same.  This is a huge factor in our decision because mom would say let me go then.  The can do a trac with a breathing machine hooked to that and she be moved to hospice.  But because of the damage in her lungs and other parts of her body, she only has 6 -12 months to live.  Even with the trac nd other advances in medicine, nothing will cure her this point.  Nothing will correct the problem – the damage is too far gone.  Breathing machines can only be used down the throat for so long before that damages the throat which is the reason for the tract.  As we are sitting there, my sister and I realize that if we do that for mom, she will wake up furious and will stay that way for the remaining months she has to live.  The dr. confirms what we are thinking – she’s dying.  We can remove all the tubes and see if it’s God’s will for her to continue living on her own or we can prolong her life, pain and misery for a few more months.  Keeping her alive using machines would be for our own selfish reasons.  So we make the decision together and we wait.

I could write out all the details of the waiting and experience with the tubes being removed.  That mom woke up constantly when the tubes were in trying to pull everything out although she was on a high dose of pain medicine BUT that when everything was removed and the average person wakes up at this point, our mom relaxed her face, stopped struggling and fell asleep.  She remained that way until an hour later she passed.  And that hour seemed like a second one time and a day the next.  It passed in slow motion and I crumbled along with my sister.


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