Posted by: Chloe | July 20, 2008

Busy month

It’s been a busy month with July 4th and a trip with a close friend to get away.  We helped at our church with reach week events and it was great to give back to the community.  Our church is big into building disciples and having outreach events.  But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake lose the sadness attached to me.

I miss her.  I know you may think I hated my mother but I didn’t and I don’t.  I had bouts of anger towards her over the past months and my words may have seen terse and cold but if you knew me in person, you would have seen my mercy.  I stuffed my emotions and madness to when I was around her.  I loved her – she was my mother but she was not a happy person.  At times, she had such meanness in her and the bitterness took her over.

But I’m not myself and I fake it many times around people.  When they ask how I’m doing, I smile and say it’s hard but I’m okay.  What I really want to do is cry uncontrollable, fall down on the floor and scream out my pain.  But that’s not what you do in society and although I have wonderful non judgemental friends, I still smile and walk away pretending everything is okay and I feel no pain.

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