Posted by: Chloe | November 6, 2009

You think it’s gone and then it rears its ugly head

Pain – pain so deep in my heart – that’s the ugly head.  Mom’s been gone almost 2 years.  Your birthday is coming up – you would have been 60 years old.  Months flew by without this pain.  It had dulled for awhile.  I wish you could see my children now.  I wish a letter would come in the mail from you.  As much as those letters and your situation would drain me – that I didn’t know what to do with you…a letter would still be good now.  I have no idea if I ever thought you would overcome these battles.  I don’t think I truly had expectations.  I just thought you would live.  Once we moved you to treatment, I thought you would live.

Which hurts worse?  that you are now gone or the times when I would send my husband by your house to check and make sure you had not fallen or passed out and died?  I want to scream which is worse?  Would I trade back now that you are gone?  Because those times hurt also, pained me.  And yet, I still have the pain…it’s different now.  God has told me He has you – that you are safe and I must believe Him.  He is my hope and Savior.  Only through Christ Jesus can I live and continue on.  Oh, how I miss you so much, so, so, so much mama.

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